A women who'd been married twice and divorced twice was finally fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another women. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover to satisfy her sexually, so she ran an ad in the Personals

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad." he says.
"You must be mistaken." she says.
"Let me explain," he says
"I can't beat you, I don't have any arms and I can't run away, because I don't have any legs."
"But,"she asks, How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the door bell, didn't I?"



Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the classroom and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."



Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You  know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need -- a tower, elastic cords, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a  'piņata?'"


 A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the  dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and  new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my  most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo VCR and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you.  They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply,  and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together.
That's how  much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest boobs.


A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds.  He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched,  the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the  fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in  her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase a meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.  The old gentleman said,  Oh no.  We ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.   The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."